denniscoleman.net

Annual Christmas Letter

Well, it’s Christmas time. Like a lot of families, I try to send out the once-a-year update to let everyone know how it’s going in the family.

Once again, we got the shaft.

It seems that corporate America as well as the justice system is conspiring to keep us down.

First, my law suit was called “ridiculous,” or some fancy legal term like that. I had the idea a long time ago to give out gifts of blankets with holes worn in them, I just never thought of a jazzy name like “Snuggy”. I even had pictures of my wife sleeping one off in a blanket with holes in it. The judge got all hung up on “evidence,” and “proof,” and something about “patents” and he even pointed and laughed at me when I came into court wearing a “Holy Blanket.” (That was the name when I invented it.) To make things worse, they smelled alcohol on some of us, and found flasks on a few others, and so it was back to the pokey for most of the family. One good thing though, they put out a nice Thanksgiving spread, over at County.

We had to take the bus home when they finally turned us loose, as Pennsylvania now seems to require a car inspection every year. How was I to know? That 1981 Chevy van was inspected when I bought it.

My son in the military was doing good, but now he is back to buck private. He says he never got no pamphlet explaining the finer points of “don’t ask, just take,” or something like that. 7 years down the drain for him.

On top of that, they are still fighting my disability check over the Carpet Tunnel thing, so my wife had to take a third job. It sure can wear a man out scouring them want ads all day, but she’s a good girl and you know me, I help out wherever I can.

We was all set to have a vacation, and a really nice one this year, but I had invested the whole $150 vacation fund in a new computer game idea I had where you try to guess people’s Social Security Numbers. Them government boys tried to say that was wrong, but they never said that when I was the “Guess Your Weight,” guy at the carnival.

That Obama guy don’t seem to be changing nothing worthwhile, which makes me mad. I would voted for him if I knew where they done that.

I hope that by next years letter that I will be able to say, "Hey, did you see our picture on the People of Wal-Mart website."

Of course, it ain’t all bad. Two of the girls are expecting, and thank God it ain’t with the same guys as last year, as they were what are called “hit and run,” types. Bless them girls though for being so generous, like their mother.

It will probably pretty be stark under the tree this year, if you catch my meaning, and so I am making sure to get this letter out early enough so that anybody that wants to help out has time. I even set up a PayPal just for the occasion. My wife says that’s begging, but I reminded her that people have it in their heart to help others at Christmas, and so why shouldn’t we got our own fair share, especially after Obama never got us on any bailout list.

I should have gone into banking, but it’s probably too late for that.

My one boy almost got a deer this year, but he got all nervous and blasted away at his kneecap. Unless we get some luck along the roadside, we won’t be having our Christmas venison.

I guess that’s it for this year and like I always say “Cheer up, things could be worse.” I always chuckle when the wife chimes in with “I don’t see how.”

So, I better sign off. Some guy just came out of the bathroom here at Starbucks and is claiming that this is his computer. I thought it worked like over at the liberry. They should put up a sign or something.

Merry Christmas.